Saturday, December 9, 2017

Sniff and Sniff...



a few months back i had my first stranger's sweaty gym shirt sniffing experience... and i guess I'm back at it again... because... if a guy leaves his freshly seasoned gym shirt lying on the counter just beside me then hops in the the cubicle for a quick shower... how can i not take a sniff of his shirt right?

i mean... c'mon.. is it just me? or are guys just asking for it ?.... 

anyways... there have been these 2 guys who work at the gym as personal trainers... and i have seen them around for quite some time.. but they have never ever worn a tanktop... therefore.. i have never ever seen their pits before... 

one fine saturday i went to the gym at an awkward time around noon... just after finishing a mini shopping spree... and these 2 personal trainers just clocked in their shift and started working out... so by the time i finished my own exercise "moment" (because i don't really "work out"... like a real dude... i just have exercise "moments") ... i stepped in and out of the shower... and was just about to blow dry my hair...

personal trainer 1 (who i shall deem "Pompadour" due to his thick black manly head of hair)... comes on walking by.. sets his back pack down on the counter beside me... takes off his shirt... throws it on the counter... and hops in the shower...

.... and so i looked at his red t shirt... it was just staring at me... just calling out my name... "smell me colin"..."i need u to take me and sniff me now"... drawing me in like a moth to a flame... i then made sure nobody else was in the locker room area... and stole my first sniff... i didn't think... i didn't expect... i just went it straight for the under arm area... and was pleasantly surprised but also disappointed at the same time... because his scent was fully cloaked by a deo or body spray... and his eau naturale scent was no where to be detected...

he came out of the shower.. and i finally realized that i was seeing him shirtless for the first time... and he had beautiful chest hair... and a fine fine toned body...

he took out a deo roll... and swiped both his pits ... then took out a body spray... and spiffed each pit yet again... (which probably explains how he cloaked his own natural man scent away)... by doubling up on the pit perfuming....

so... this is a man... a real man... who just comes out of the shower... with a towel wrapped around his waist... roll on pits.. body spray... and some hair gel... and then he's set ...while i on the other hand... looking myself at the mirror... came out of the shower... fully clothed already... in my oversized red t shirt.. and black baggy knee length shorts... and daintily.. taking out a cotton pad... to apply clinique facial toner on my face... 

i really had no time to even feel insecure about myself... let alone... ironically make fun of the fact that ... he and me are 2 very different guys standing side by side in front of the counter mirror... (if i can even consider myself a guy ... really...)

and yes... if seeing him shirtless for the first time wasn't mesmerizing enough... i saw both his hairy pits too ! ( boy.. what i wouldn't do to be that deo roll-on of his...).. and just as he whisked himself away... never really knowing what magic he had sprinkled upon this virginal little boy... then comes in personal trainer number 2.... (who i shall deem "pretty eyes".. because man... does he have eyes which i could stare at like fORevEr...)

suddenly ... he barbarically strips off his shirt (just like tarzan)... then before i could process the fact that he actually had a 6 pack... (which you could never even tell under his t shirt at all!)...  he then stripped off his shorts... and revealed his "birds of paradise" rain forest design undies... (which creepy as it sounds... i know for a fact that he got from H&M)...  yes... i have a photographic memory...and remeber it clearly when i was there snooping around the men's undies section to look at all the gorgeous naked underwear male models on the boxes...

i didn't get to see his pit though... because my eye balls were probably having a mini seizure in my eye sockets... as i was trying to admire his 6 pac... but at the same time trying not to get caught by him by staring too obviously...

he then did a few mr universe poses and flexes checking out his own broad shoulders and rocking hard back...and that is when i just had to grab my things and go... for i don't know how much longer i could endure the mesmerizing overdose of raw man beauty face to mirror to body...

but just as i was on my way out... i heard that he hopped in the shower... and the water started running...

(sigh...)

so i made a U-turn... and set my things back on the changing room counter... and proceeded to "pretend" to blow dry my already fluffy blow dried hair... and noticed... he too... just left his grey t shirt on the counter... and saw very faint outline of a sweat stain on the under arm area... (i mean. like... where else am i possibly gonna be zooming in on? like... C'MON??)

and... so i stole a sniff of his manliness .... and just like "Pompadour"... "pretty eyes" also had no trail of obvious natural body odor... only a cover up of deo or cologne of some sort...

my god... is this what beautiful smells like? 

2 sniffs back to back.. yet it's so bittersweet that i don't have a man of my own .. to sniff his sweaty shirts whenever i want... where ever i want...

:-/ 
  

Sunday, December 3, 2017

The Story Of German Sausage...



i was driving in my car and this song comes on the radio... it’s that song from the movie JERSEY BOYS...  “oh what a night”...  so upbeat.. so jolly...  so happy... and suddenly something brings me right back to a moment ..  flash back moment i associated that song with an experience i had a couple years back... with a guy infamously nicknamed...

he was one of those guys... who i had a really great instant online connection with... we shared alot of things in common (kink wise)... and also philosophy and ideas of what a great relationship should be... and as pointed out in a blog post i did a long time ago that briefly included him... somehow... all the starts aligned for us to meet up in KL...and he was flying all the way from germany... during my birthday out of all coincidences... 

i was having a milestone birthday that year... and i decided to do something wild and adventurous... i guess... so i decided i should go there and have some fun... knowing damn well that he was in a committed relationship... not exactly an open relationship but guys will be guys... and i threw out one of my principle criteria’s out the window... and that was to never be involved with a guy in a relationship...

on the day we met... he personally wore a black tanktop... just for me... and that put such a BIG GRIN on my face... ! (sigh)...

he was nice...
he was kind...
he was gentle... and my god was he a gentleman...
he was talkative...
he was caring...

he was kind...

he was nice...

and nice guys don’t come into my life very often... and suddenly i had this one...  right before me... but astoundingly aware that he was here... not only for me... but as a vacation... without his significant other... and knowing that he was also meeting other boys for "fun"...

call me stupid for just letting myself over think and dream about things and possibilities that could happen... even as far as thinking that he leaving his partner to be with me... ( a real stretch i know..) but that was how i felt about the whole situation...

i honestly had such a good time with him... and more importantly ... WE had a good time together... he even remembered that it was my birthday and got me a little gift... a box of strawberry yogurt covered chocolate bars... that left a very sweet lingering and sentimental taste in my heart for him...

i even got a little choked up and teary eyed when it was time for me to go and leave for the airport... thinking to myself... “man... he is such a great guy.... if only we could be boyfriends”...

***

we stayed in touch for a bit after that... then not surprisingly we stopped contacting each other... (here is where the “poof into a cloud of dust” moment comes in)...

i sent him this pic because it illustrated him and me so perfectly...

and he never replied...

almost exactly a year later... i found out through snooping around on his facebook page... that he was in KL yet again...  almost in disbelief and confusion... i wondered why he didn’t even tell me he was comming down again... my first initial thought was that maybe he was here with his partner... or maybe he just didn’t enjoy the time we spent together ?... that was highly improbable.. but not impossible ?... or maybe i really was just a trick to him... but then again... wasn’t i ??? ... but i'm honestly certain we shared something much more special than just a few kinky nights together?... (and the thoughts just kept on flowing...) incoherently driving my mind up the wall of CRAZY EX GIRLFRIEND...

i was bitter... and deep down ... so angry about it... yet scared at the same time... for how can someone could say things to your face like “this feeling like heaven” and ... “that was the most amazing orgasm of my life”... to ... “ i’m going to miss u so much...” ... to just making me feel like i never even existed... 

if my walls weren’t already up... my walls were definitely FORTIFIED after that... and to add insult to injury... on a completely different note altogether...  another guy i knew ...known as the infamous “J”... suddenly un friended me on facebook... after i wrote a POEM about me being happy for him...

WTF ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

2 blows around the same time... got me all dazed and horrified at how guys that you can invest so much of yourself into... over the years... could just simply... throw you away ?

i was so depressed... i lost all hope... i lost all faith in humanity... i was so bewildered by it all that i almost quit my job because i was just so unhappy.... 

i wanted to retire... 

from life... 

then and there... 

and maybe that’s why it has taken me this long to write about german sausage... because... the memories i have of him and the experience... were so amazing ... yet heart breaking... through it all...

i will always remember him... because this was the one and only time i took snaps of our moments of kinky passion as per his request... 


funny how a man could be bound and compromised... yet... i was truly the one at the mercy of him...

:-(

Saturday, November 18, 2017

More Thoughts...





we finally met... in person... face to face...

i honestly wasn’t even sure it was gonna be worth my while to hop on a plane on considerably short notice and make a trip just to meet up... but there was this little voice in my head that kept telling me that i should...to just take a chance... and find out if the chance was worth taking...

when it came time for us to meet up... i remember the moment he texted me "turn around"... and when i did... i saw him for the first time... this vision of surprisingly tall...not as dark as i though he would be... and almost handsome :-P 

he was nice to me... a gentleman in most ways... and he couldn’t stop complimenting me...

(and you know how i am with compliments...it takes at least 2 working days to process them)

what jilted me a little was when kept staring at me ... for long seconds at a time what felt like eternity...talking about my eyes and how amazingly beautiful they were... until he mentioned ...

“it’s like Aladdin”... looking into princess jasmine’s eyes for the first time like...


i mean... c’mon... as corny as that was...i just didn't believe that... though it was nice for someone to reference a Disney movie... let alone... be indirectly referenced as the Disney princess.... ?  hihihihihihihihiih 

who am i kidding... i LOVE!!!  being referred to as a Disney princess.... it’s every little girl’s dream... well my dream has a little more kinky complexity to it but... that’s another blog post altogether...

anyways...

some things did happen...

some things almost happened...

and some things didn’t happen...

it was a smorgasbord of emotions for me... i was careful ... maybe a little too careful.. with all that i’ve been through in similar situations like these in the past... who could blame me?

after all was said and done... i was coming out from this trip with more thoughts on my mind...

i honestly don’t know what can come to fruition from here on...  no plans set in stone... just an imaginary future from my part mostly... it would be amazing if we were both living much closer to each other...but that’s just wishful thinking at its best i suppose...

if he really was living closer to me...  my personal life would definitely take a drastic turn for the better... and perhaps my love life could actually even start to exist... 

i don’t really believe that THAT could happen... because i just don’t think i can even BELIEVE it...

or maybe... i just won’t LET myself believe it... for some weird reason...  i wonder why ?

but what i have taken from this experience is a sense of renewed hope... it was gone for quite a while... i kinda killed it with my own bare hands... but with him... it seems to be back ... faintly... 

but it’s there...

i can feel it...

if i can just make myself believe that i can be happy... one day...

(lifting up my glass of rose’)... cheers to wishful thinking...

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Thoughts...



i was in this quirky vintage store just the other day... and i came across this book called the “magic notebook for answers”...

and the sales lady told me that to read this book...i had to ask it any question... and the book would have the answer...and so i did...

i asked.... 

“will i ever find love.... ?”

then i flipped to a page... and it read...



(sigh...) i kinda knew that my love life is on a one way train to lonely hermit island... but c’mon... you gotta admit that fate or whoever or whatever is out there is definitely screwing with me... and it certainly has one heck of a sense of humour... and of course i took it with a grain of salt...

but you know... weirdly enough... as i was mildly insulted by that Stupid book... i took a step back to realise that the song playing in the background.. was desperado...

and the lyrical line of that moment was... 

“you better let somebody love you... before it’s too late”

i took that as a serious sign...

because over the course of one night and day... i started thinking... thinking about things i never bothered to think about before... and these thoughts were so new to me...

6 years since first knowing him on gays.com... we finally...



Sunday, September 24, 2017

Sniff...



I’m a deviant little perv... and i know it...

see... i was at the gym this morning trying to keep this muffin top from overflowing... and by the end of the hour (well.. 15 minutes short of an actual hour) i decided to bake this muffin top in the sauna...

and just for imaginary purposes... i do not go into the sauna nude & wrapped with a towel around my waist.. i wear “clothes” in the sauna...  just in case someone suddenly comes in to join me... and that’s exactly what happened today...

i didn’t have my glasses on so i couldn’t see his face all that clearly.. but i could see that he was a flubber... and he was just wearing blue shorts and nothing else...

whoa.... that was the very first time i shared a hot steamy sauna room with a total stranger... and it was really awkward for me... (at first).... because i was worried we had to have some sort of useless friendly conversation while we were both in there...  but luckily non of us spoke a word... and that was great...

because... the silence only made the dripping of sweat down each of us so obvious... and every time he wiped his forehead and neck ... i could hear this slippery and wet sliding sound that was so... my oh my... (yes ... hearing that tunred me right ON)... 

my gaydar was obviously informing me that he was straight... and so i felt a little more comfortable that way... but i did peek over at him a few times just to see if his flubber body was glistening ... but i couldn’t really see anything because again... i had my glasses off... 

(i learned the hard way to not ever wear metal spectacles in the sauna... because the first time around... i almost burned my head off by leaving my them on)

so then flubber went out... and went to take a shower... and shortly i left the sauna too... then on my way out... i noticed that there was a red t shirt on a bench in the locker room area... and i made a calculated assumption that it belonged to flubber ... because there were no other guys in the locker room ... so ... as i looked around for any cctv cameras... and was delighted to have found non... 

i....

(yes... i know... i’m a deviant little perv)...

i sniffed.... his shirt...  

and not just any  random part of his shirt... i folded it inside out... and went for the underarm seam armpit area... and sniffed...

sniffed... sniffed.... and sniffed some more.... like my life depended on it... and i was quite surprised by his scent... it had a nice delicate punch to it... that i enjoyed very much... although... his shirt was totally dry ... i wished it was soggy and drenched in sweat ... cuz if it were .. i might have even had a "taste" of it..

lol... ( yes.. yes... I’m such a deviant little perv... and i know it)....

oh well... ever since i joined the gym  which has been about a whole year now... this was the very first time i actually sniffed a guy’s post workout gym shirt... (Although... i have had a few other instances where i saw a few much more sweaty tank tops lying around before... but i was not alone in the locker room area to cop a stealth ninja sniff moment...

on the upside... this has been the most action my nonexistent sex life has experienced so far this year...  (well other than my one hot morning session with sexy skinny uncle back in may)... that was one hell of a lucky fluke while on holiday...

i feel so energized and refreshed now... and who knew ....all i needed was just a sniff !

a deviant little perverted sniff.... hmmmmm

:-P

Monday, September 11, 2017

I'm Not...



im not a dom... but i like to be in control
im not a sub... but i aim to please
im not a sadist... but if you like pain

it will be my pleasure...

by ~ N!LoC

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Never Had A Boyfriend...



i once heard this saying... “to write well... you have to write what you know”...

this is what i know...

i’m 32 years old and i have never had a boyfriend...

a hopeless romantic to the core... most of my childhood years were spent dreaming about the things i would get to experience with a guy... 

high school was pretty much the same ... if not more magnified...

then at one point in 2010... it seemed my luck was about to change... a guy suddenly walked up to me and started a conversation and it turned out he was very upfront about being gay and wanted to be friends...... and it was one of those moments where u think (is this really happening ??)... 

but turned out to be just a game and i was just an easy target for him to play with...(thank god i have fully recovered from it)...

shortly after that incident... i met a guy online... which ended up being a 3 year, long-distance relationship which as embarrassing as it sounds... i actually called him my “boyfriend”... but as i see it now... a “boyfriend” could never be just some guy u like over the skype screen or facebook chat...

it would be hard to explain all the ups and downs i went through with him that ultimately ended with him un-friending me on facebook... but what i learned and how i learned it only makes me a wiser person today...

as the years passed by... i was finding myself... and that guys in life as we know it is just one big pile of JERK!...

the guys who take one look at you and turn the other way...

the guys who seem all that into you up until they get what they came for then disappear into thin air...

the guys who really are the perfect one’s for you but they don’t ever see that...

and that one guy who seems so perfectly beautiful in every way...so beautiful through your eyes that makes u still believe in love at first sight...

after one bad experience after the next... i still live my life without any regrets... because i am my own teacher on this path of self discovery...

and i have discovered that i may be one of the few boys in this world who will perhaps live his entire life as someone who has...

never had a boyfriend...

Sunday, August 6, 2017

I Had A Dream...



that i was driving a mercedes benz SUV... just driving and driving and driving... spinning the wheels around the block... then BAM!!!!

i suddenly found myself in my childhood bed... a metal framed bunk bed... single on top and queen on the bottom... (no pun intended)...

but i was not alone in bed... i was in bed with a guy... a shirtless guy... under the covers... with me in it... (all this happening as i was looking at it from a third person point of view)...

i was rolling around in bed with him ... just like in that faith hill music video... and i felt it all... CUDDLES AND ALL...

Faith Hill ~ Breathe
what came next was kinda obvious...

i lifted one of his arms up ever so gently... and took a...

slow... 
long... 
hard... 

intoxicating whiff of his pit... and i smelled it all... i could smell it ...I SMELLED IT ALL...

for whatever magical reason that my cognitive imagination could conjure up my actual smell receptors to produce an intimately distinctive scent of his pit still baffles my mind... (c'mon i was dreaming ! i know i was... but why did it smell so damn REAL!!!??)

POOF !

***

i woke up from this amazing interlude...feeling an instant urge to tell someone about it...

because the guy in my dream wasn't just any random fantasy guy... 

the guy was actually one of my facebook friends... and for some reason... i was so hesitant and afraid to tell this guy about it... and so i just posted this...



now the only reason i posted it that way... was because just like that taylor swift song... i have become invisible to him since who knows when... i mean ... we used to chat every other day ... but people have their own facebook lives to tend to and post about... and "people" just don't keep in touch like they used to... i mean i myself am guilty of having my own selfish reasons why i don't bother to "keep in touch" with friends on fb anymore too... 

but all things aside... for some weird reason... i wanted him to know... but just couldn't bring myself to tell him about it... 

out of all the friends on fb i could have dreamt of... it had to be him.... (sigh)...

and as i retrace back my steps that transpired me to dream of him... hmmm let me see...... :

  • a lazy saturday afternoon... so lazy ... i could die...
  • stumbled upon this sexy video which totally got me hooked and abused the repeat button :
Charli XCX ~ Boys
  • and yes... brandon urie , charlie puth, joe jonas & mark ronson were all in the video... and they pretty much sum up the guys i have fantasized about many times before... (especially charlie puth... oh how i wish he was gay)...
  • later that night watched some everybody loves raymond on netflix and found myself feeling stupidly sensitive every time ray and debra were in bed cuddling....
  • and lastly just before i slept... i was looking through some pics of a mercedes benz GLS because silly people on fb were comparing that SUV with the new toyota C-HR SUV...
so... over the course of one desperately lazy afternoon where i struggled to keep myself occupied because my boredom was making my mind wander and think of things i shouldn't be thinking of (because i know it will only end up making me feel utterly depressed)...

watching that BOYS video and listening to it for 100 x's may have embedded a little seed in my head... making me think about the fantasy of ALL FANTASIES... (wanting a man to call my own)...

and watching ray and debra cuddle in bed which made my heart sink for no apparent reason... (which happens alot more frequently these days)...

and last but not least... that stupid Mercedes Benz.. i mean... my god... i'm not even one who is even cares about cars... (but ironically... the guy i dreamt about is such total car geek..)

oops!... i may have said too much...

but hey... it's no secret... because he is one of the guys on "The Road"...

sigh....

i guessed i over analyzed the crap out of this dream this time...

:-p


Sunday, July 30, 2017

Tin Man...



Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
You don't know how lucky you are
You shouldn't spend your whole life wishin'
For something bound to fall apart

Everytime you're feeling empty
Better thank your lucky stars
If you ever felt one breakin'
You'd never want a heart

Ohh, ohh, oh 

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
You don't know how lucky you are
I've been on the road that you're on
It didn't get me very far

You ain't missin' nothin'
'Cause love is so damn hard
Take it from me darlin', you don't want a heart

Ohh, ohh, oh 
Ohh, ohh, oh 

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
Glad we talked this out
You can take mine if you want it
It's in pieces now

By the way there, Mr. Tin Man
If you don't mind the scars
You give me your armor
And you can have my heart

***

i wish i wrote this one... but that honor is from Miranda Lambert...


~ Tin Man By Miranda Lambert ~

Monday, July 24, 2017

Origins...



as the song started playing on the radio this morning while driving in my car.... i immediately sang along to it and knew the words (jamican accent and all)... then subconsciously flashed back to a particular memory when i was younger...and that memory was of the music video for the song "LIES" by Diana King...  

and it brought me back... it brought me way back alright... 

it was one of my earliest recollections of a moment of being exposed to such mesmerizing physical attraction...

through the years i have been casually trying to find the actual music video to the song but apparently the ORIGINAL video has somehow been edited or something... and the "ORIGINAL" original (slightly more 18 SX uncut version ) was nowhere to be found... until tonight...


this was the scene i remembered seeing that totally took me for a F#$k ride... it was the start of something so beautiful... and just a taste of things to come... i was so banged up that  this particular scene was no where to be found in all the uploaded videos on youtube. i almost kinda thought i must have somehow immaculately conceptualized it in my memory.... i thought i must have been dreaming all these years... seriously...


but at last... it was not a dream... it was a reality... and thank god for my photographic memory... i mean... you think i could really forget a scene where a hot sweaty shirtless guy whose wrists are strung from the ceiling of a dark and dingy jail cell with someone's face THIS CLOSE to his gorgeous pits?????

which got me thinking.... i suppose that really was the moment that planted the seed in me... my god... MTV... the things u do to kids... lol

so yeah... my love for bondage took it's first baby step from there... and that is actually just one of my fav bondage positions of all time... which got me thinking further... 

how did my love for tickling evolve from armpits and bondage?

and.... enter.... an innocent "disney like" movie called "GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE" 

ok wait... i just googled it... and it is in fact a DISNEY movie.... (oh boy... disney... the things you do to kids).... lol...

yes... i bought the bootleg dvd mainly because it was a shirtless hunk acting like tarzan... swing ing around from tree to tree in his leopard print loin cloth ... i mean.. c'mon! there was bound to be a scene where i could see a clear money shot of his hairy pits !!! (and there were indeed many!)

but boy oh boy... did i get more than i bargained for... because there was this particular scene that totally aroused me like ahwoooOOOOO gahhhh!

  
yes ... a very fit and tanned brendan fraser was ganged up by 2 bad guys... skinny bad guy got him in a full nelson from behind ... (making me yearn to be that skinny bad guy)...while the fatty bad guy did this...


MAKING ME YEARN TO BE THAT F#%^$&!NG FATTY BAD GUY !!!! URGH!!!!

oh the look on skinny bad guy's face.. as he holds up poor sexy brendan fraser while he gets a little tickle tickle and boo boo punches to his 6 pack abs... oh... the look on skinny bad guy's face... he sure is enjoying it isn't he.... 

i can only embarrass myself if i told you just how many times i wanked off to that particular scene ON LOOP ... so yeah... i guess that's why i love tickle torture so much... so so so so so... sooo oh so much...and if i'm being totally honest here... i am now seeing the origin of what could very well be perhaps my next evolution curve of my kinky fetishism.... 

(if you watched closely... what does fatty bad guy do after tickling him silly ???)

and voila! ...  i guess that explains why i have a dedicated folder in my vault of porn called GUT PUNCHING VIDEOS !!!!!   .... (1...2.......and 3..............and counting)...

lol... oh my goodness.... i hope wherever my kinky evolution wants to take me... i just hope that it's a fantasy that i can make a reality...  and i am so very proud to say that i have lived out a good chunk of those fantasies... some not exactly the way i'd imagined... but close enough... to honestly say i can die with a kinkily fulfilled sex life... well my sex life is virtually non existent (always has been )... so i'll just call it... kinkily fulfilled sex "experiences"...

kinkaholic : origins...

thank you and good night.... 
   

Saturday, July 1, 2017

When This World Ain't Got Love For You...



still spend lazy sundays at the gym... 
trying to work out more...
always thinking that being trim and slim... 
is the way for sure...
still keep recon on my phone...
just for something...
answer ones that’s knocking at my door...
to say nothing...

when this world ain’t got love for you...
there’s no damn thing you can do...
you can be ; 
a bird that’s flying... 
a selfie smiling... 
a boy that’s trying...
to make all his dreams come true...
but this world ain’t got love for you...

still spending the weekends at the mall... 
to keep myself occupied...
catch early bird movies in an empty hall...
cuz it’s kinda what i like...
still scrolling down facebook every night...
before i sleep...
blogging feelings of poems that i write...
like it’s that deep...

when this world ain’t got love for you...
there’s no damn thing you can do...
it can stop ;
your sun from shining...
your words from rhyming...
there’s no denying...
there’s no damn thing you can do...
when this world ain’t got love for you...


~ by N!LoC ~

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Happiness...



down at the rainbow dreams cafe...i met a boy with "hope" in his hands...
he said “i’m a little bit confused & i’m not quite sure where i am”...

he said “i’m trying to find this place...i’ve been trying to find it for the longest time”...
and then he frowned and looked away and asked me if i heard of “happiness”...

i told him that finding it could take a while...
a windy road about 900 miles...
cross the river of tears longer than the nile...
stop and stare when u see your first smile...

make sure you accept yourself for being gay...
don’t regret about the one that got away...
Experience heartbreak with the man called “j”...
if you get lost...remember that you can always pray...

he said “i think i understand... i better go before the clouds come down”...
because it’s hard to see the light & i just don’t trust my heart anymore”...

i said “good luck” and watched him leave... he walked away and then disappeared...
just another weary dreamer like so many who can’t find what they’re looking for...

there are so many bumps along the way...
i really hope that he’s gonna be okay...
i should have told him... but i think he knows...
that in life... that’s just how it goes...

so many souls that just get turned around...
wondering why that "love" just can’t be found...
oh boy it’s a long long road of loneliness...
because it sure ain’t easy finding happiness...


~ by N!LoC ~


Thursday, June 1, 2017

Try...



why am i still single ? 
they all pitifully ask...
that question always baffles me...
an answer i never seem to have...

maybe it's just my ill fate...
or my sad unwilling destiny...
to walk this life alone...
as a single separate entity... 

being gay is not my excuse...
i know gay friends who’ve found their own...
it seems to be they live the life...
for me that life is reasons unknown...

fridae...
jack'd...
planet romeo and grindr...

recon...
 silver daddies...
 and even a paid matchmaker...

i did the clubs & i did the bars...
still doing the gyms where i got my last scar...
so with my broken wings forever longing to fly...  
DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME THAT I NEVER EVEN TRY...


~ by N!LoC ~

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Bedtime Story...



this feeling of loneliness tonight...
:-( 
that's how i feel...

i'm not even putting up a fight...
:-(
that's how i feel...

scared to go to bed...
cuz its hard to fall asleep...
knowing all these thoughts in my head...
as i sink underneath the sheets...

i smile...
only out of bewilderment...
this is my bedtime story for tonight...
of love... life... and all its glory...

my bewildered smile...
of my own bedtime story...

~ by N!LoC ~



Monday, May 22, 2017

Touch A Six Pack...



i never really made a bucket list for this year... but i'm mighty proud of myself for finally completing last year's list... 

i honestly didn't think i could touch a six pack in this life time... but i did.... and it was amazing...


Saturday, May 6, 2017

Death Of A Dreamer...



Do I look lonely?
I see the clouds over my head...
mirrors have told me...
I don't look the same...
Maybe I gained weight...
or i look older...
The bulge on my waist...
puts a frown on my face...
How do I live?

The death of a dreamer...
Oh...Letting that feather fall...
The death of a dreamer...
Oh ...it seems so fitting for...
Happily NEVER after...ooo
are there any more?
a lifetime of jerks...
At the expense.... 
of a death of a dreamer...

I'm cutting my heart off...
Feels like my soul is going to burst...
having an ice cream for two...
i know that’s a little absurd...
And when they all look at me...
I am the best they'll never have!!!
have one more look at me...
I smile even though i’m sad...

I'm taking the low road...
Watching the sky fall...
guys on HGTV... 
they strangle my breath...
How do I live?

The death of a dreamer...
Oh...Letting that feather fall...
The death of a dreamer...
Oh ...it seems so fitting for...
Happily NEVER after...ooo
are there any more?
a lifetime of jerks...
At the expense....
of a death of a dreamer...

~ By N!LoC ~

Sunday, April 16, 2017

The Road...




DEAR ROB ~ the one that got away...

VIETNAMESE GUY ~ my very first date... EVER...

MR TANKTOP ~ the man who got me into a public restroom...

THE STALKER ~ the boy who said those magic words...

PLAYER ~ the almost "first" boyfriend experience...

J ~ the one that shook my world...

OSAMA ~ that crazy terrorist :-) ...

THE HIPPIE ~ the rebound that never was...


GRINDR BOY ~ the boy who took one look at me...

CRAZY PSYCHO ~ the boy that wasn't the one in his picture...

UNCLE QUEEN ~ the uncle that kissed me in public...

FANNY ~ the friend through it all...

FATTY ~ the guy who expected something in return... 

DRAMA QUEEN ~ the one bad experience after the next...

BRITISH UNCLE ~  the one where nothing happened...

DAMES ~ the guy who deleted me all because i liked "kink"...

SUB GUY ~ mr first real bondage experience...

MOMMA'S BOY ~ the boy who wanted to be boyfriends...

LAB BOY ~ the guy who didn't appreciate my april' fools day prank...

WEIRDO HOTTIE ~ the guy who i liked but then introduced me to...

REAL CHINESE UNCLE ~ the old guy who's uncle ways totally freaked me out...

MR 6 PAC ~ the one that was too good to be true... (so dreamy)...

J 2.0 ~ the guy who wrecked star wars for me...

OZ BEEFCAKE ~ the one night i'll never ever forget...

SKINNY GUY ~ the guy that actually got me hard...

THE TERMINATOR ~ the man who made me cry like a baby...

THE JERK ~ the boy who almost had his way with me...

J 3.0 ~ the one that never got to recieve my xmas gift...

KINKY COLONEL SANDERS ~ the pre prelude to german sausage...

KINKY STINKY GUY ~ the prelude to german sausage...


GERMAN SAUSAGE ~ the man who i never wrote about... (maybe one day...)... 

SUGAR DADDY ~ the man who told me to just let things "happen"...

SCAMMER ~ the guy who tried to scam me for $$$...

ARMY GUY ~ the guy who could have been...

ANCIENT DINOSAUR ~ the old man who was allegedly a boy molester...

TWO FACE ~ the perfect date that had a twisted ending...


GYM GUY ~ the guy who's "just not that into me"...

TICKLE TOY ~ the one i had the hardest time turning down... 

TICKLE TOY 2.0 ~ the christmas surprise i never expected...

COACH DINOSAUR ~ a surprisingly nice old man... 

HOT BUFF TANKTOP GYM GUY ~ the cherry on top that made me lose all faith...

SKINNY SEXY UNCLE ~ the very first 6 pack i ever touched...


Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Deja Vu...



(continued from "Hot Buff Tanktop Gym Guy")

nothing.... 

or maybe nothing YET? ..AHA!

so as i kept doing the crazy over the top ocd checking my phone every 3 seconds thing... i went to triple check back on my out going friend requests to see if my request was actually sent ... (you know how it is with facebook... big social networking websites make mistakes all the time right?)

there was no out going request...  i knew facebook screwed me over... so i went over to hot buff tanktop gym guy’s fb to actually send my friend request and this time actually click it real good... but there it was...before my very eyes...

the “+ add friend “ option was not in dark grey but in LIGHT GREY... and not available for me to click anymore...

that was it ... i got my answer... i don’t know if he blocked me. or clicked ignored ... but c’mon... who’s kidding who?... that’s basically the same thing in my book...

i was like a moth to a flame ... burned by the fire...

all these questions ran through my head... why? how come? why not? what if ? but ?... i mean... if my hopes to step out of my shell and comfort zone to go out and get what i want overpowers and blinds my gut instincts then i think that maybe it’s best i just stop this whole thing...

this whole thing of... hoping that maybe... just MAYBE.... there will come a day when i catch a break from all this crashing and burning... one jerk after another... no rhyme or reason... it just is what it is.... my jaded love life... that just doesn’t seem to be able to exist in this lifetime... or any parallel universe...

in this world i live in... every one is a jerk... and everyone is a heartless bitch... (that may not always be the case)... but that’s just how it seems to be for me... so i guess that’s all that matters ... because then that becomes my world...

this is my world...

and for the very first time as i was walking the aisles of the grocery store.. i noticed something different about myself..

i didn’t even bother to look around and scout up and about for cute guys in tanktops or just cute guys... or just GUYS in general... i’m too beaten down with what the cards of my love life has dealt me... and now in turn i've become too afraid to lift my head up high to even look at the cute guy who is helping me bag my groceries...

as the days went by... i found myself looking the other way...

away from guys in tanktops... why even look at them ? what’s the use in dreaming? ... what’s the use in hoping?... what’s the point of putting on a smile ?

i don't even trust myself anymore... maybe i just long for something so much that what is see is some sort of possibility in everything... a young boy at heart with virginal optimism for the outlook of love... when in fact i'm just probably looking at guys who just see me in complete disdain thinking that i'm just a creepy dick that likes to stare at guys or something...

and honest to god... as i proof read and type out these last closing words to this blog post... i just had a deja vu moment where i know for a fact that this was supposed to happen... i had a flashback of looking at the "+ add friend" option turning light grey... feeling my heart just sink to the ground  and waking up from a dream or something... 

if this is how my life is supposed to play out... fine then....

life... just play me...

:-(

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Hot Buff Tanktop Gym Guy...



there was this hot guy i was eyeing at the gym for sometime... and only really noticed him in detail when he started to join my regular LATINO JAM classes... i mean even before... when i saw him working out the weights in his Abercrombie t shirt (with sleeves)... i noticed he had a face that i was attracted to... and a body that would make any gay boy’s jaw drop... from time to time... he would glance at me... and i would glance back with my poker face... trying to ignite my gaydar to check if he was giving me any gay vibes...

the weeks went on.. till the day he wore a TANKTOP to one of the classes... and that was when i would zoom in on him at the back of the room... admiring his amazingly defined arms and shoulders trying so hard to concentrate if he had any side pit hairs peeking out.... 

i stared at him.. he kinda stared back at me... i stared just a wee bit to long for comfort.... and had to look away because if i stared at him for even a split second longer.. i would have melted into a puddle of glitter-glue...

during the class when we did 360* turn moves... i turned around and caught a glimpse of him raising his arms and yes... his pits... (Although were completely shaved)... were indeed a parallel beauty to heaven...

one sweet night ... fresh after writing a burning post called “I DON’T”... which now i see that i wrote a line ...

 "I DON’T want to take chances with anyone anymore..."

it must have slipped my mind because... what i was feeling was definitely a crush towards him.. and i haven’t had a crush on anyone in a looong looooonnnnnnng time... so i said to myself... i don’t think i would be able to get him off my mind until i know for sure... if he is even gay or not... i somehow tracked down his cell phone number through a zumba class whatsapp chat group and cross referenced his initials of his whatsapp profile name TC... and did a 6* degrees of separation search on facebook... i know his first name is definately  "thomas"... because the dance intructor did call out his name once saying "hey! thomas! good to see ya bro!"...

(im realizing how this now sounds a whole lot creepy and stalkerish as i type it out.. but hey whatever ... a girls’ gotta get some answers ya know? lol) 

i actually found his fb profile... (and my god... he looks so much better in person... his pics don’t do any justice for him at all..)... i scanned through his “likes” , public photos , groups , fb friends  and videos faster than Robocop could scan though a bad guy with a weapon... and secured all the hard facts that makes him 99.9% gay..

1 gay mutual friend in common – check

cheeky pose in a tank top at the gym selfie – check

bright colored flowery t shirt with sexy as hell “top gun” aviator shades selfie – check check

but once i saw the fb pages that he was following which basically consisted hot shirtless guys... i think it was more than safe to say that : 

“AFFIRMATIVE... SUBJECT TARGET IS GAY AND FABULOUS”

and before i clicked  “+ Add Friend” something went off in my head... a flash of my future with him... all the endless possibilities... but strangely also... flashes of danger signs... and i thought whoa... what if he doesn’t even approve my friend request? i mean... that’s really my face on my fb profile... i go to the same gym as him... and now most days the same latino jam classes... what if things were to get awkward ... i don’t want to shit where i eat!.... (in this case... flirt with fire where i go exercise)... 

but i also promised myself a long time before... after my very first crush of colossal proportions... "Dear Rob" which i never even got to find out if he was even gay or not... which took me way too long to get over and not blame myself for not having the guts to find out when i still had the chance.. and never got to know all the “what could have beens” with him...

so i took a leap of faith... and played a shot of Russian roulette and sent hot buff tanktop gym guy a friend request on his fb... and to make sure i won’t obsess over this and drive myself crazy checking my phone ever 3 seconds to see if he approved my request... i gave myself... 3 WORKING DAYS... (that’s a Friday – Saturday and Sunday) for him to approve my friend request... if not... i would just have to accept the fact that he may not want to know me and so i would have to cancel my friend request...

i didn’t even have to give him 3 working days.. because the very next morning from the moment i woke up ... i was already checking my phone every 3 seconds to see if i could get to see the notification that could possibly change my love life forever...

and what i saw was...



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