Monday, October 31, 2011

The Lonely Bug...





the lonely bug
  
maybe i just have too much time on my hands.. or maybe it's because i have always been prone to the feeling...

but i always find myself getting bitten by the lonely bug ever so often...

looking at random guys at the mall and i think to myself "oh he's kinda cute"... or .. "oh wow he's sexy"...and i get this flush of emotions hitting me like a wave...

i suddenly feel down... and sad and borderline depressed...

loneliness is a feeling i just know too well...

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Mr. Firefighter...




once upon a time when i was a little kid ...

i was taking afternoon one on one tutoring from a lady who’s husband was a firefighter...

he always came home from duty right about the time i usually start my tuition... but one monumental day... my tutor lady was not home when i arrived for my session...so mr. firefighter told me to wait for her...

he was still in his uniform..(i assumed he just arrived home) and he went straight to take a shower..

a quick moment later he came out from the shower...in just a bath towel around his waist..

(i can't recall if he had a 6 pack but i definitely remember him being oh so slim with a tight flat stomach) and he was rather short ..


but he was definitely manly cute...(i guess good things come in small packages)

every week when i was there ... he would always arrive home in uniform and go take a shower immediately..and ALWAYS came out in just a towel...

but that day... what happened was pure temptation... he put on a pair of shorts and went straight to bed... WITH THE DOOR OPEN...(keep in mind the dining table where i sat was diagonally adjacent to his bedroom) and so i could see him sleeping there all layed out on the bed...

5 minutes turned into 10 and tutor lady was still not back from wherever ...and mr. firefighter started to snore !!! 
(a light bulb went off in my head... as i remember reading somewhere that when a person snores... it means they are already in a deeper stage of sleep)

my heart started to race...



 i got up and tried to sneak a peek at the sleeping beauty...he was layed out on the bed... shirtless ...


one hand on his tummy and the other hand tucked in behind his neck exposing his shaved pit...

i just stared at him... relishing one of my very first encounters with a half naked man right in front of my very eyes.....i just had to do something more.......

i was determined not to let this moment slip out of my hands without even grabbing a hold of "it"....


*** to be continued...

(click for PART 2...)

Monday, October 24, 2011

I Had A Dream...



Kylie Minogue ~ Aphrodite Live 2011


i was at kylie minogue's APHRODITE LIVE concert ....(a concert i attended just a few months ago...)

except ... this was a new tour... and the weird thing was that i went with my mom...

halfway through the concert... i felt a burst of anxiety shoot through me...

i turned around and looked that the stadium was about 85% empty...

and kylie was starting to look bored and un inspired...

the concert props on stage started to disappear slowly ...

the hot male dancers started running off backstage....

and kylie stopped smiling....

(i've had much more weird, cynical, deviant, and gruesome dreams in the past..but when i wake up i sometimes forget them almost instantly... so... i guess what ever dream i have... i'm sure to make a note about it on my iphone notes app and make sure it gets to make an appearance on this blog...)

:)

Friday, October 21, 2011

Where and Why...



Hal Sparks ~ Queer As Folk

where is the good in people? 

why is there only H8 i see?

i feel like everyone is so judgemental...

why can't i just be me ?

~ N!LoC ~

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Ugly Duckling Syndrome...




ugly duckling syndrome (UDS)

i was unattractive as a young teen... i had low self esteem and was so insecure with my self.. it didn't get any better during high school...and it remained that way all throughout college....

i was flubby and down right ugly ...well...i was just ..."FUGLY" (a "meangirls" moment)

since then i have lost weight...and i am finally skinny and lovin it... but somewhere at the back of my mind... i will always feel the ugliness... and i still don't consider myself "attractive"...and if i even try to accept that...my reflex emotion would tell me "oh i'm so conceded"...

the other day my boifriend sent me a text and called me ..."handsome"...

what was i to think?... i thought he was mocking me..i thought it was a joke...i didn't believe him... (sigh)

this is just one of the small consequences of having UDS...maybe through his eyes... i'm "handsome"..but i just don't see it one bit...my mindset has been programmed during my early years growing up... "i'm ugly ....i'm ugly...i'm ugly..." so when someone suddenly throws. .."you're handsome" in my face...i just don't know how to take it in....do i say ..."thank you"??? (oh so conceded)....

i'm sure if i had a boifriend like him when i was in my teens.. i would have earned up some points in the self esteem department..and probably wouldn't be this way today..
 

Monday, October 17, 2011

Smile...


when there are clouds in the sky... you'll get by

it was just a simple smile.... ...even though it was from someone i hardly knew.. .. it was so refreshing for a change..not many people still randomly smile to me nowadays...

and that just totally made my day... it reminds me that there are still people out there in the world who actually still have a sense of social decency..

i have people i know ..people i see.... everyday......relatives...friends (or people who i thought were my friends) just pass by .. and pretend i'm "invisible"... 'ignore" or even just look the other way...

i never knew a simple smile could totally change my mood for the day.... his smile is still lingering in my heart...and the person who smiled at me was just a guy... not a crush.. not a hunk... or anything.. it was just a guy.. i had my hair cut by him a few months ago at a salon where he works at.. and i was suprized he still recognizes me

he's not gay.. he came with his girlfriend... it really doesnt matter ... a smile is still a smile....

straight or gay... with girlfriend or no girlfriend...

it was still a smile from the heart...

Friday, October 14, 2011

Like A Virgin...



chirp chirp!...tweet tweet!.....


i guess i still consider myself a virgin...technically i haven't had xxx yet... and my definition of xxx is : getting nekkid with another man... rolling around in bed together...(and doing @n@l xxx)...

now.. i have never ever been fond of doing the "hokey POKEy" in that area... thinking about it doesn't even turn me on... but i always have had this perception in my mind that because I'm gay... that means my passage of life is for me to experience f*ck*** and taking it up in the @ss...at a certain point in my life one way or another...

because i always thought... if i never do that... i would be considered a VIRGIN....which isn't a bad thing really.. (i am a dying breed you know?)... but after watching that silly movie...THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN...i developed a fear of turning out like one of those older people who hasn't "done it" yet...just as some girls have their tickling time clock for what age they want to find a husband ...get married.. have kids and settle down...

my ticking time clock is telling me to GET LAID!!!! before it's too late ....

but i have had my share of semi borderline sexual experiences.... a one night stand (that didn't last the night)...and a hook up in the men's toilet...(not my proudest moment.. but i never regretted it either)
and on both instances... there was no "kissing"..."blowing" or f*ck*** involved... (just some other things i probably shouldn't mention)

so... am i a virgin?

... yes i think i am... but maybe I'm in the special sub category of "HALF @SS VIRGIN"?

i've been there twice... had a peek... but never went all the way... so i'll be singing that madonna song as much as i want for now......because i am can...

Monday, October 10, 2011

I Did Not Love...


"shame on YOU if you fool me once.. shame on ME if you fool me twice"
                                                                                                             (Life Goes On ~Leann Rimes)

i take the word love** very lightly nowadays because the guy who "played" me threw it in my face just after 2 weeks of knowing me...and for a split second.... i almost believed him..

i was just so high from the euphoric (wow, someone actually likes me!?) and the (could he be the one??) feeling that i was totally blinded by his toxic ways and the signs of "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU"
he really never once asked me about my day... or how was i feeling or...even try to get to know me a little better...i was the one doing all the "getting to know you" part...

and now that i look back on it... it was such a "one way" thing with him...i was just a little too cheap and needy with my emotions..i should have played the GAME OF LOVE like my friend always told me to ....but i threw my pride out the window for him.. i was just being me..."easy, breezy, beautiful, cover girl "me"

i call my self stupid for how i could be so blind for a guy but with every bad experience... i learn something new and grow from it..and i actually feel thankful for him doing what he did to me... not all 1st experiences have the "rainbows and butterflies" effect...it was just so demoralizing to have my 1st borderline boyfriend experience turn out the way it did

this song practically sums up everything that happened and what i was feeling...

keeping in mind love** was not something i felt for him.. because i have this description of wordless feelings in my mind of what i think love "is" and "should be".... and with him....

 it didn't even come close...




When You Love** Someone Like That ~ Leann Rimes & Reba McEntire


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Iphone 4s...




apple FINALLY made the announcement and sprint is FINALLY gonna carry the iphone 4s and it will be available next week...

i have been waiting to hear this news for months..and this just means that my boifriend is finally gonna get his hands on an iphone...and all the wonderfull miraculous apps that the digital era has invented to bring people like "us" even closer...now i'm gonna have free internet voice calls courtesy of viber..and 24/7 instant messaging conversations via whatsapp although right now.. it still hasn't sunk in.. but i think my dating life is gonna change drastically too! because it's not easy being in a long distance relationship with someone whom you met online..with just emails...windows live chat...and skype video calls...and the occasional internatioal sms (that isn't always reliable)

i really do feel that this is gonna change my life for the better...because i don't have the privilege like other normal relationships where you can hold each others hand..or go to the movies together or have an impromptu dinner night out at a restaurant ...

i'm very aware of the statistics that long distance relationships usually never work out...but i guess when you know you've got something special there...you would do anything to try and make it work...

as he would say.. "just have faith..and give 'us' ..a chance..."

cloudy days BEGONE!!!

sunny days ..HERE I COME!!!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Top 5...





the top 5 reasons about why i think TODAY is a good day...
5* today is the start of my monthly TOP 5 post...

4* today is one day closer to the big "apple iphone announcement"...just four more days...ooooo i'm gonna faint!

3* today is china's national day...

2* and children's day... and...

1.* it's my birthday...

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