Saturday, July 23, 2016

Fantasy...


Mariah Carey "Fantasy"

ive always been one to dream... and that’s why i consider myself a dreamer...  a hopeless romantic...

reality seems to have come and hit hard... and it keeps banging at my doorstep... now more often than not... on a daily basis even...

i start to dream about things and i find myself stopping myself in my own tracks... (track of mind at least)... but on certain rare nights... in the privacy of my own room... my thoughts do run wild and free...

i dream... a dream like there’s no tomorrow... “ a dream so real... something i can touch ... but far beyond to feel”...

and i realize that... my dreaming does take me to places that makes me happy... a passing thought that can put a smile on my face... and it almost feels as if it heals me...

maybe that’s why one of my most fav Mariah song is fantasy.... because in the bridge... she coos:

“i’m... in... heaven....

with my boy... friend.... my laughing boy... friend...

there ‘s no beginning ... there is no end....

feels like i’m dreaming but im not sleeping...”


and that literally just summed up the fantasy that just literally went through my dreaming head...

sometimes... i guess i just have to let myself dream on... no matter how un attainable i tell myself it really is... i mean it’s always possible... just like having that one winning lottery ticket to a million dollars.... (it is possible... but it’s impossibly impossible)...

but i wasn’t dreaming about a million dollars....

i was just in heaven... with my boy friend.... my laughing boyfriend.... there was no beginning ... there was no end... it felt like i was dreaming but i was not sleeping...




** inspiration always cums after an orgasm anyways....

Thursday, July 21, 2016

I Have No Friends...




my friends....

where did they all go ?

i know i had some...

hmmmm lemme think....

the boys grew apart because i wasn’t one of the “boys”...
& the girls grew up to be “mean girls“ and i only managed to salvage one..
since then we have grown apart as well... (as depicted here)

the college years went by and i also managed to salvage but one...
but she is missing in action.... but this time it seems like it’s gonna be like forever...

online friendships were never real.... because if they were... why do i feel so empty?

making a new friend on facebook could suffice for a day... but maybe that’s why it makes me feel so empty...

tried to have a platonic friendship with a few gay guys (one sadly depicted here)... but i know damn well what it’s all about... so i should not complain....

and as i have this urge to gossip about the latest happenings... i reach out to ex work mates... but that is just what they are... “ex”.... “work”.... “mates”....

i then realize...

i really do have no friends....

my eternal catastrophe of wanting a boyfriend so badly now has trickled down to me wanting just the simple company of friendship... and yet i also have no friends... period....


i have no friends? ........

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Face To Face..



my god...

3 years later... and we finally get to meet up by chance....

i can't believe i never wrote about my experiences with this guy on my blog... i guess i always thought that he was just one of those passer by's that just comes and goes and never really impacts you in any serious way... so i always brushed off whatever moments that i had experienced with him...

3 YEARS ago... at the very tender moment when i was going through a "letting go" phase with my very first relationship with a guy ( as depicted here *** which coincidentally lasted 3 YEARS)... this guy texted me on jack'd and we kinda hit it off right away...

well ... the very next day he told me that he was bi... and that he was dating a much younger guy  ... his "prince"... and asked for some naughty pics of me.. which of course i was kinda ok with him being bi... but after he told me he had a prince... and wanted naughty pics of me... i was oh so turned off like from 60-0 in a heartbeat...

but oddly enough ... he kinda stayed in touch fairly often during every rare blue moon... and also mainly because we just kept running into each other for some weird reason... crossing each other's paths... one night at mc donalds where i was apparently standing right next to him at the cafe section counter after a horrible date and didn't even know it... and another time at a grocery store after a jog in the town park... and another time again at mcdonalds where he was with is prince (safely assuming) and yet again another time at restaurant with his new prince more than a year later... 

and all of those times i never really got to see his face.. or saw him completely but wasn't quite sure that it was him ... although he kinda looked familiar him from his whatsapp profile pic.... and he was the one who always texted me later to say "oh colin ! was that you?" ... and i always felt a little frustrated that he just could never have the guts to just come up to me and just say hi to my face.. even if he wasn't sure himself if it was me or not!...

on a few occasions... i actually went into an emotional episode where i just kept questioning myself... and my fate... and my worth in life... because honestly ... out of all the jerks i have met throughout my active dating years... he was actually the one most eligible and geographically suitable for me...

he was a few good years older than me (which i like) ... he lives kinda close by to me... he likes younger guys... he can definately rock a tank top... his english was fluently and refreshingly pleasant... (something so Hard to come by with guys in my city)... and i was actually attracted to him right off the bat...  gosh... he would be so good for me...

but as fate would have it... timing was never right... all those other times he reached out to me out of the blue... getting my hopes up thinking that maybe he wants to reconnect with me again for real.... he then tells me that he has broken up with his prince... but is dating a new prince 2.0...

now.. the funny thing  is... that at the back of my mind... it really did cross my mind that when i knew i was gonna join a new gym in my area this year... it really did cross my mind for a split second.. that hmmm maybe...just maybe.. i might run into him then since he also lives close by and he goes to this chain of gyms... 

pehaps but probably voila!!!! ... i think i imagined it into existence... which took 3 LONG YEARS!!!!!

and that was the whatsapp message that i got from him after i finished my workout and was about to leave the gym when i saw it... i was shocked!.... i know i was eyeing him the whole time...i was in the gym because like... errrr duhhhh ... he was the only guy there in a TANK TOP!... and he was even literally beside me on the next machine doing his leg raises... but i guess i totally forgot about how he looked like completely... and i deleted his number off my phone ages ago... before christ was born...

so i kinda got up the adrenaline to just finally stomp right over to him and finally say hi to this big wussy who apparently never seem to have the guts to say hi to my face!!!!

and after all was said and done... we chatted for a while... as he raised his arms abit to show his amazing trimmed dark armpit hairs... and me still being a professional ... maintaining eye contact with his face while he was saying "its no excuse to not go to the gym more often since you live so nearby"... :-)

so.. i guess morale of this story is... 

the third time may be the charm in most cases... but for me.. it was the 5th....

a chance meeting when all the stars aligned for us and me (unusually-courageously) stomping my way over to him to finally meet FACE TO FACE!!!...    

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