Saturday, June 18, 2016

Walls...



at the age of **... i have contemplated numerous times if i’m just destined to be single forever... Once you’ve reached a certain age and still seem no nearer to finding that one life partner, you really begin to wonder...

and the fact that ive never actually had a “real’” relationship... let alone ... a “real” boyfriend... EVER... my one and only relationship was an online - long distance one... and like hoping for a day where we don’t live in a world with bigotry and hate...i really wonder if i should just be chasing a different dream...

every day that passes.. i resign myself to that conclusion that perhaps it won’t ever happen for me... but i wasn’t always this way.... i’ve had the whole “fairy- tinker bell- rainbows and butterflies- love can move mountains- everyone has a soul mate” mentality since i was a little boy... but basically i’ve been there... tried it.... got hurt... 1 2 MANY TIMES..... 

i guess it saves me alot of precious time , money and energy to not focus on getting out there anymore...  looking for love for me has been a painful experience...  unbelievably ... eye openingly...disillusioningly ... c r a z y (for a lack of a better word)....

i may not be scrolling around gay app town looking for it like i did just a few short years ago... but it is simply unrealistic for me to keep on trooping on to hoping one sweet day i will find love... 

but until then... my heart will remain open... (though not as quite open as before)... because walls come up to protect yourself ... and i now finally understand why people do that...


Friday, June 3, 2016

My Trunk Briefs...



while going through my closet choosing which pair of undies to wear... i saw my rarely touched trunk briefs and it made me think to my self... “why on earth did i ever get a pair of those?”... i mean they have this cutting feeling on my upper groin thigh area and are not that flattering on me as my mini briefs are (which is my staple underwear to wear...)

why on earth did i ever get those trunk briefs ? well... the answer is simple...

it was a more inspired time in my life... where i was still collecting black tank tops to add to my tank top collection... and also trying out some new styles of undies... you know ? just for the sake of trying something new... wear something a little bit out of my comfort zone...

i was exercising... working out ... because i was in the game... the active stage of grindr’ing... recon’ing... jack’d’ing... planet romeo’ing... with the thought of having all these future possibilities of perhaps taking naughty selfies in me undies and stuff... meeting guys to hook up with and perhaps something even more...

when i was once in an online relationship... that’s kinda when my tank top buying went a little over board... i was collecting all the sexiest and flattering black tanktops that i could find in hopes of one day wearing it to bed with the guy ... i had something to look forward to...

something to look forward to ... (sigh)...

i had a zest for life...

i was inspried... motivated... thinking that the possibilities could be endless for me...

every song i heard on my itunes playlist had meaning... had light... even made me do the "mariah HONEY" dance...


and this was supposed to be "the year to be happy.... it started off on the right foot... but now i’ve kinda lost my way again... i’ve rejected and declined quite a number of guys for meet ups (and hook ups) for that matter... and only went on one date this year .. which was the most perfect disaster that my little fragile heart could take which made me kinda swear off dating for now... until who knows when...

i’m taking life generally on a day by day basis ... because i guess that’s the only thing i can do right now... it’s hard to smile.... and it’s sometimes hard to dream at night... but i’ll just have to tell myself that i’ll be ok... (maybe not necessarily happy... but ok)

and all this....from just looking at my rarely worn trunk briefs....


** f.y.i... that's my butt in the pic...just one of my extremely rare naughty selfies...if anyone was wondering...

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

All Of The Above...




do i have to be pretty ? ... to get a guy to notice?

do i have to be kind ? ... for a hand to hold?

do i have to be sweet ? ... for feelings to blossom?

cuz i know i am cute... or so i’ve been told...



do i have to be handsome ? ... for a guy to kiss me?

do i have to be hot ? ... just to get him to smile ?

do i need 6 packs of abs ? ... to have arms to hold me?

would that get me my day to walk down the aisle ?



do i have to be beautiful ? ... to be worthy of love ?

or am i just not lucky ? ... so not lucky in love ?

what do i have to do ? ... if not all of the above ?

is being me not enough ? ... to find somebody to love ?


~ by N!LoC ~

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